My 5.1 Vacation

generally i only post tech notes in this blog, but this time i will try to write something else. it's about my life, my notion, and my emotion. seems i've never express myself like this before, and i don't know why i m doing this now. maybe i m just feeling tired and oppressed so that i want to write something down for relaxation and abreaction. since this essay may be somewhat private for me, and i dont want so many people to read it, so i decide to write it in english. i hope my poor english can effectively hinder most unwanted people from reading this essay. if you are not so interested in me, i promise you will find no fun here, and i suggest you leave before wasting you time here.
it's 5.1 festival now, the meaning of this festival is "working people's day". i don't think i'm a "working people", but this festival do bring me a 7-day-vacation. All of my roomates have gone back home or traveling, leaving me alone in the dormitory. sometimes i desire quiet and peace, but this time i feel lonely and anxious. at the very beginning, i decided to study all the 7 days so that i will have no spare time in feeling bad. but such a plan aborted, as usual. actually in the day i really went to my haunt of classroom, but i found the classroom will be closed since May 1st to May 4th. i am so disappointed so i went back to my dormitory. i thought i can also do my job well in the dormitory, but i was wrong. Even when there were nobody else in the dormitory, i still can not concentrate on my work, perhaps that's because it's too comfortable and too silent in the dormitory. All these days i had no efficiency, i just kept sleeping all day. even when i was awake in the noon, i still don't want to get up of my bed. this circumstance is just like the summer holidays and the winter holidays: in the beginning i don't want to be decadent, but at last i am.
other people may expect the 5.1 vacation, but i do not. i'm a guy that like things and environment to be invariable. i just want the tough-study-time to continue during the hole semester, so that i can keep working till the summer vacation, and then have a good rest. while now that i've got a 7-day-vacation, i cannot keep myself from playing and resting during this short vacation, but soon after this vacation i m still facing the tough school work, and even the midterm exam! i can not change my status so rapidly. so during this short vacation, i feel nervious. especially there are still so much homework waiting for me, nearly all the teachers have doubled their homework since the vacation. i have just finished the experiment of THE PRINCIPLE OF COMPILE, but there are still homework of THE THEORETICAL COMPUTER SCIENCE, which is the most troublesome homework and now the quantity of which is doubled. still there are midterm big task of VC waiting for me, and the experiment report of COMPUTER NETWORKS, i don't know how i can cope with these mess. every time i try to start working but i just can't. my spirit is just not the same with which in the study day.
i am not just staying in my dormitory these days. for the purpose of relaxation, i bought myself a pair of roller-skate shoes, and that's the first time i went out of our campus this semester. i m not that like sports, you know, i just want to find myself some interest. i do feel a little bit funny in playing the roller-skate, but after that i feel more tired then funny. of coure, any pleasure would take a cost. i most appreciate the precise of this little mechanism, which is so efficient, make us moving so fast and efficiently. i always believe machines are better then human being, so our job is to make machines work for us, but not to do the work ourselves which machines can do. maybe one day machines can design machines themselves, then it's time for humans to be extinct. who knows, but i m really expecting this day.
people used to think i have some psychological problems, maybe they are right. don't be afraid, i never hurt the others (not physically, at least). i have to say i am somehow different from the ordinary people, but i don't feel wrong with this, since i don't want to be ordinary. whereas when i came to this university, i found everyone is abnormal, nearly all of them are eccentric, so i become ordinary here. i dont know whether this place is good for me, but day after day when i live with these abnormal guys, i feel harder to communicate with those guys outside the campus, i.e., those ordinary guys. here i really met some guys that i admire, they are far more excellent than me. maybe that's why i m feeling so anxcious all the time, but in the other hand, i really feel exciting to meet so many excellent guys. i am paradoxically, am i?
after i came to the university, i've learned lots of things, lots of knowledges, and myself have thought alot. sometimes i like to talk about some philosophy with my roomates. sometimes i feel lucky and proud that i m cleverer than the ordinary people and i have more knowledge. but i find that the more knowledge i gain, the more unhappy i will feel. when i was in the middle school, although the teachers didn't like me, didn't agree with me, and the hole school gave me greate preasure, but i was still optimistic. my thought was so simple then, i believed i am more excellent than the others, and i believed that i will go to the best university in china. now that my dream comes true, but i still feel unsatisfied. especially when i know more about the science, the society, and the world, i find things are not so simple as i used to think. i feel lost, i don't know what shall i do. those uneduated people can live so happily, they never think about the world, they don't know the philosophy, the don't know science, they live in ignorance, but they are happier then me. how ridiculous it is!
now i found my essay is completely out of topic. never mind, as i said, i just want to write some down, randomly. that's all today, maybe i will write another essay some day.